My motherhood by Jules Canterbury

My motherhood by Jules Canterbury

 

I think it’s taken me 18 months to come to ‘terms’ with the fact that I’m a mother. It’s a strange label in our society, almost pejorative, a bit like wife. And it took me ages to come to terms with being one of those too.

 

I think I was always going to struggle with motherhood – a good friend, on hearing of my pregnancy, blurted out a horrified “but you’re so un-maternal!” which sums it up pretty well. I’ve always been fiercely independent; I was the very last baby of the family and never had younger cousins/siblings to play with, I hate feeling trapped (be it in a plane or a relationship), and I thrive on quiet time and tinkering with DIY. Hardly fertile ground for welcoming a baby into the family.

 

So yes, the first 6-8 months were HARD. The usual; broken nights, guilt at everything I felt I was doing wrong, loss of selfish pleasures, the mess, the monotony, the loss of autonomy. But then, in much the same way that I learnt there were perks to being in a marriage ‘team’, I learnt being a mother had its own rewards too. I am proud of myself, genuinely, supremely proud, to be bringing up our little boy. At 35 (and counting), I feel like I’ve finally grown up. I put someone else’s needs ahead of my own, every single day. I see the comfort that he finds in my arms, or just my presence, and it feels so good to be that person for him. I sing, and he smiles (or winces, not sure). We giggle. Very, very occasionally, he slows down just enough for us to really look into each other’s eyes, and I feel like I’m totally connected to this perfect little being. I think he loves me, and I utterly love him.

 

 

Jules is mum to Sacha, 16 months, lives in London and owns Amoralia, a maternity lingerie company.

 

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