Miscarriage, a personal memory.
24 07 2013 • Tanya Kazeminy Mackay
My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 5 months. I was absolutely devastated.
I had spent most of the previous ten years worrying about getting pregnant and doing everything in my power to stop this from happening unexpectedly. I assumed getting pregnant was as easy as switching a vacancy light on at a motel and that the room (womb) would be immediately filled with my perfect little guest.
And in truth, it was that easy to conceive for me – but my little guest had other plans. He wasn’t well; a genetic issue meant that he would go from being a perfectly healthy foetus to slowly dying over a month. It was heartbreaking to experience the total powerlessness this inability to nurture my baby gave me. There were all the doctor appointments, all the opinions, all the wondering and the worry and then finally there was the death. This was made much more difficult because at 5 months, I had to actually give birth to my poor little baby boy.
Through this process I spoke to so many women, all of whom had had miscarriages also. It made me aware of how many women experience miscarriage. Until I was in the situation I had no idea.
Time passed as I grieved and very determinedly got myself back on track in my life, my mind and my body.
And when it came time to try again, I realised that only now was I truly ready to become a mother. I had such immense value for the process I was about to attempt. I had a new rock solid understanding of what a privilege and an honour it is to be a mother. I think in a lot of ways my miscarriage was my first lesson in being a mother.
And forty two weeks later when I looked at my newborn son I had such an appreciation for his perfection and his health. I considered all that my body had done, and I forgave myself for needing a practice run the first time. I felt my body had tried it’s best but hadn’t created perfection (whatever that is) and on this attempt I had truly achieved my best and it was amazing to behold.
With my miscarriage came so many lessons. In many ways I learned about sadness as this was really the first death I had experienced, I learned about my inner strength, I made a total commitment to become a mother, and had a new understanding of what the love a mother feels for her child really is. I realised how difficult it is to become pregnant which gave me an appreciation of what my body can do.
And finally, and most importantly, what an honour and a privilege it is to be a mother.
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