25 09 2013 • Tanya Kazeminy Mackay
I think a lot of women spoil their man by redirecting all of their maternal energy onto him before actually having babies. We have all this maternal instinct and in the absence of a baby we tend to baby our menfolk. ‘Let me do that for you, get that for you, find that for you…..’ You may love that he is a great cook, but for some misguided reason you start to cook so that he doesn’t have to. You may love that he is an independent and capable man, a magnificent man. But with time you erode his life skills by taking over all the day to day stuff. I will iron, I will drop that off, I will pick that up, on and on. Does any of this resonate? I watch it amongst my friends and I have started handing out this little insight to anyone I think might listen.
Men are a lot like children, perhaps we all are really, but in this instance I am focusing on men. If you spoil them, they will become spoiled. If you do everything for them, they will become used to it (who can blame them!) and when you have a baby and you really need them to step up and be your partner, you may well find you have a jealous toddler to deal with rather than the magnificent man you had hoped to share the parenting experience with. Of course they will be both, magnificent man and jealous toddler – but trust me, you really will not have the mental space to deal with a jealous toddler, nor should you need to.
So have the conversation with him during pregnancy, at one of those hand holding moments when communication flows like water. Tell him you will need his help, tell him you are scared, tell him you will be hormonal and possibly quite horrible. Ask him to love you throughout this period. Ask him to treasure you and cherish you and appreciate the huge physical and mental sacrifice you are making so willingly. Ask him to love your not so perfect new mama body that has made your baby for both of you. Ask him to be magnificent and ask him to think a lot about jealousy before the baby arrives and ask him to manage himself as best he can. After all, the better you are supported as a new mama, the better a new mama you will become. And that is best for all of you.
Be Honest. Speak to the man you want him to be. And for goodness sake, please don’t turn him into a toddler, or you will have to deal with the tantrums.
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