It Can Be Totally Overwhelming
11 09 2013 • Tanya Kazeminy Mackay
It Can Be Totally Overwhelming.
There are things you may be feeling, that no one is really talking about. I wanted to delve into some of that just because it is really nice to know that you are not alone. That it is normal. That it will pass.
I try really hard to always talk truth, but not be scary. To always provide light for any of the darker moments. So with time I shall address each of these points more deeply and share some of the insights that have come with time and conversation.
But for now I am just going to put these thoughts out there with the reassurance that you will make it through all of these and, although they still rise up on occasion, overall I am at peace with each of these thoughts. They are part of my fabric and I feel too blessed and grateful to see them as a negative. But in the beginning I didn’t have that perspective, which came with time.
So don’t beat yourself up, remember to breathe, and totally trust that you will befriend each of these emotions. Things you may be feeling…..
Drowning in Responsibility
Never before have you been responsible for anything that is a tenth as important as your baby. You are on the steepest learning curve any human can take on, and it matters more than anything you have ever done before. This is the new definition of responsibility and it is all new and can be totally overwhelming.
Choking on Routine
I don’t know about you, but prior to having children my life had very little routine. And suddenly, overnight, my whole life became routined down to the quarter hour. Everything needed to run to a schedule (at least that is what all my baby books instructed me). And it was incredibly difficult for me to adjust to it. My shoulders and neck became as rigid as my timing. I hated it but it was the only thing that made me feel like I had any kind of control. Sometimes the need to break the routine felt like a mushroom cloud inside me.
As competent, educated, eloquent, and successful as you may be in your life – nothing is as humbling or overwhelming as motherhood. I discovered much to my horror that I had about 10% of the knowledge required to be the mama I wanted to be. The rest you have to learn, through every means available, as fast as you possibly can. The learning curve is steeper than any job, any course, any anything I had ever endeavored. And it is so, so, soooooo important to get it right. I had never felt so inadequate in all my life, and I beat myself up on a daily basis about it.
A Life Long Commitment
I remember turning to my husband one morning in a flood of tears saying, motherhood is a life long commitment. He nodded and smiled kindly at me but the thought bubble above his head read, ‘Duh’. Yet it felt like a big revelation to me. I felt totally intimidated wondering how I was going to cope with the demands of motherhood forever. When I couldn’t see any easing of the pressure that I was feeling anytime in my life, it brought me to my knees. Of course the intensity abates over the months and years and like all amazing commitments the need for total focus rises and falls through the year. But I didn’t know that then; all I knew was, this was the first commitment I had ever made to which there was absolutely no exit door, and it was scary.
Overwhelmed by Love
Even though my life was full of love, I didn’t have a single clue what love really was, until I first gazed at my son. He blew my heart wide open and in that moment my capacity to feel love grew twenty seven thousand percent. And it is really, really scary to love that much… it takes some time to adapt to it and you need a little perspective and space to understand it. This is the one that will get you through everything. It is the strength, depth and breadth of this love that will cause you to grow, learn, adapt, accept, embrace and metamorphosize into the very best mama you can be.
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